Studying sucks...

Someone remind me why I thought college was such a great idea?  (Just kidding, mom.)

I've got a vocab quiz in German on Thursday and an extra credit assignment for my Gay Politics & Policy class that I'm trying to study for/work on while I'm working at this non-user friendly desk... I think I've officially hit that time of night where I just don't feel like doing anything else productive...

So here I sit... not studying, not doing work, and not actually caring about the consequences of either. (For now)

I had a pretty awesome phone date earlier with a friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a few months (a few being like, almost a year) and I haven't seen in forever. It was really nice just to catch up on what's happening in each other's lives. It also makes me really happy that our whole conversation was like nothing had changed in the past few months. We picked up right where we left off the last time we talked and just continued on from there... it was literally the most natural conversation I've had with anyone in a long time. I wish I had more conversations like the one tonight in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love the people in my life and the conversations we have because they're usually quite meaningful... but to have a conversation with someone who knows (even after all this time) me to a 'T' is just.... it's amazing. I hope regularly scheduled phone dates are something that become a constant occurance in my life. :)

I talked to my mom for the first time in almost a month last night.... which makes me both really happy and really sad at the same time. It wasn't a super long conversation, and I feel really crummy that all I talked to her about was APhiO stuff and how stressed out I've been lately... but that's literally been my life for the past few weeks. Anyway- I love that she just lets me ramble on about my ridiculousness and essentially tells me the same thing that everyone else has been trying to tell me for a while now. I've been hearing what everyone else has been telling me; that I need to stop overcommitting myself, that I need to stop caring so much about what other people do with their lives, that I need to stop caring so much about how other people feel, that I need to sleep more... but for some reason, when my mom says stuff like that to me, it just clicks.

I went to bed at 11 last night (which is virtually unheard of for me) and slept for almost 12 hours... Of course, I was wide awake at 4am due to my inability to sleep for more than 5 hours at a time thanks to my job, but I won't complain as both of my sleep stints combined are more than I've slept in the past month. I didn't think it was possible to wake up feeling both rested and extremely exhausted at the same time... but it is, and I did. I did, however, wake up with the realization that I need to make some serious attitude/personality/life outlook adjustments. NOW.

I've decided that from today onward, I'm not throwing all of myself into making other people happy, because it's not doing anything but stressing me out beyond belief. I'm going to start taking more time to focus on myself and my own well being. I'm not going to kill myself rushing around trying to do for other people when it's not reciprocated or appreciated. Sure, there are always a few people that do, but that's really besides the point. I'm almost really glad that summer's coming and a lot of people are leaving Tally for a few months. It'll be nice to have the city a little less congested, and it'll be nice to settle myself down while I take a couple classes to get my GPA back where it needs to be. I know it sounds really awful, because APhiO has become my life and I love it, but I'm glad that it's over for the semester too. I need time to focus on myself without any outside distractions (aside from the ones that I absolutely cannot get away from, like rent and other stuff like that) to steal that focus. I need time to not give a shit about what anyone else has going on in their lives and to just sit and relax for a change. I need time to do my laundry, clean my room, and re-bond with my best firiend. I feel like I've been so AWOL the past few weeks between school, work, and APhiO that I don't know what's going on in his life anymore, and it kills me. It's going to be slightly difficult for me, because caring about anything and everything is who I am, but this is really the only thing that's going to preserve what's left of my sanity.

Merr... I feel like I should get back to studying for my quiz, just so I feel somewhat accomplished by the end of this shift. Of course, that's a little difficult when strange things keep happening by the desk every few minutes, but we'll see how far I get.