Truths

I was reading on of my (fraternity) brother's blogs this afternoon, and I really like the way she chose to introduce herself to her followers... so I'm following in her amazing footsteps and introducing my whole self to you. :)

1. I spend about 85% of my class time on Facebook.

2. Successfully managing money is something I'll never be good at.

3. When I was younger, my granddad and I would have contests to see who could eat the spiciest foods. Now I can't eat spicy food at all.

4. I absolutely cannot focus on telling someone something if there are distractions around me. It's normal for a 2 second story to take me 5 minutes to tell.

5. I HATE intolerance with a passion. Equality is a RIGHT, not a PRIVILEGE.

6. I firmly believe that my parents getting divorced was one of the best ideas my mom ever had.

7. I lived in England for 5 years when I was a kid. I lived on an American base, so no, I don't have an accent. Sorry to disappoint.

8. I have horrible posture because I slouch all the time.

9. I get slightly uncomfortable when I sit in the passenger seat of a car. 

10. I never went to an actual middle school. 6th grade was part of the elementary school and 7th & 8th were part of the high school.

11. I want to do something with my life that leaves a (positive) memorable impression on at least one person.

12. I can't stand driving slow and I have a low tolerance for traffic.

13. I don't believe in pre-marital sex.

14. I only interact with a small number of people on a constant basis. I prefer it that way, it's easier to develop lasting relationships when you have more time to put into them.

15. I'm a brother in ALPHA PHI OMEGA  and I couldn't be happier with my life if I tried.

16. I can't stand the fact that people die. I know it's not something that I have any sort of control over, but the thought of people I love dying absolutely terrifies me.

17. I don't like when people fight in front of me. It makes me feel awkward.

18. It's normal for me to not talk to my immediate family for extended periods of time.

19. I chose to major in International Affairs so I didn't have to take math once I got my associates degree.

20. I put milk in my hot tea.

21. I love the people in my life more than they'll ever know. 

22. When my brother had to take a tour of the Duval County Jail, I tagged along, just to see what it was like.

23. I'm a senior at Florida State University. Go 'Noles!

24. One of the smartest things I've ever done was invest in an iTrip. I hate talk radio, so now I can just avoid it all together. :)

25. I went to an allergist a few years ago, to see what I was allergic to. (duh)  2 hours, and 72 pin-pricks later, I learned that I'm allergic to just about everything under the sun.

26. I have all 5 of the original Spice Girl Barbie dolls, still in the box.

27.. I frequently have conversations with myself in an attempt to prepare myself for serious discussions.

28. I color when I get stressed out.

29. I journal so infrequently that I've been using the same journal for the past 8 years...and I still have a good chunk of empty space in it.

30. I silently (and sometimes not so silently) judge people. It's not something that I'm proud of, but it happens.

31. As happy as I am that I don't live there anymore... there are still parts of Jacksonville that I miss.

32. I love the days where I can just lay outside and look at cloud shapes.

33. I don't like blue highlighters.

34.. I LOVE grape juice.

35. It took me 20 years to make my first Build-a-Bear.

36. I internalize...really badly. I'm working on this new thing called 'telling people how I feel.' I'll keep you posted on how it's going. :) 

37. I've cut a lot of people out of my life within the past two years... and I can honestly say that I've never felt a moment of regret.

38. I love country music... and musicals...and 80's...

39. I work for University Housing... and I love the people I work with. :)

40. I need to focus more on myself instead of other people.

41. I still watch the Disney Channel.

42. Date nights make my life.

43. I get wickedly uncomfortable talking about sex.

44. People that drive long (straight) distances with their blinkers on annoy me.

45. I collect postcards.

46. I graduated from high school on May 21, 2007.

47. If I could spend the rest of my life in pajamas, I would.

48. Rainbow Sherbet from Baskin & Robins will always be my favorite ice cream flavor.

49.I put black olives and broccoli on my pizza.

50. I am OBSESSED with the color orange.

51. When I grow up, I want to live in a big southern-style house, with a wrap around porch, in a place where I have to drive at least 15 minutes to get to the grocery store.

52. I love laying out at night and looking at the stars.

53.I frequently make decisions that are detrimental to my bank account.

54. The puppets in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie scare me.

55. I have more 'adopted' family members than I can even count.

56. I refer to my best friends parents as 'mom' and 'dad'.

57. I don't understand the point of Anime.

58. I hate wasting paper.

59. I put ketchup on my grilled cheese. 

60. I like grits.

61. Texture is the reason I don't eat half of the foods I don't like. 

62. I don't eat pork or fish.

63. I still cover my mouth when I cough in my sleep.

64. The frosting on cake? Yeah, I hate it. 

65. I like LOVE musicals. 

66. I say that I hate people on a constant basis, mostly out of frustration. You know it's never really true until I delete them from my cell phone.

67. I openly wore headgear to school in 3rd grade. 

68. I also had braces for just about 4 years.

69. I was a band geek in high school. Make fun of it all you want, but it was seriously the BEST time of my entire life.

70. I like to go back and look at old things that I've written... the insignificance of some of the things I complain about is hilariously astounding.

71. I've come to love the alone time I get when I take I-10 home for the weekend.

72. It gets on my nerves that some people in my extended family don't know how lucky the are to have each other.

73. I Relay for Mary Beth Knox.<3

74. I'm right handed.

75. I love cheese. No joke, it's one of my favorite foods.

76. I chew on my straws. I normally chew on them to the point where they become square shaped, because I think squares are just as cool as circles.

77. I can successfully pour the 'perfect' beer from a tap...after about 15 warm ups. :)

78. People that take advantage of other people annoy me.

79. I am 100% Pro-LIFE. I do, however, support the Pro-CHOICE argument that safe alternatives to black-market abortions need to be properly funded. Nobody likes rusty knitting needles.



80. When I get bored, I like to color my hair.



81. I have very little desire to have my own, biological child. I think it's selfish to bring a baby into this world when there are already so many kids that need families. I want to adopt a child or two when I get to the point where I'm ready to accept that kind of responsibility.

82. I feel guilty when I run red lights.

83. I hate key lime pie. I think it's disgusting.

84. I love reality TV, even though I know it's total crap.

85. I absolutely cannot function if my feet are hot.

86. I have more gay friends than straight friends, and I'm quite content with that.



87. I think makeup is a waste of money. 

88. I'm fully aware that I'm a hypocrite.

89. I used to work at an independent living facility in high school, and I loved just about every minute of it.

90. I tend to cry in high-stress situations.

91. I love to swing. :)

92. It annoys me when I send a time-sensitive e-mail and the recipient is 'out of the office'

93. I throw 110% of myself into my relationships with other people.

94. Giraffe's are my favorite animal.

95. I want to be more adventurous.

96. I love to bake. 

97. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life after graduation... which is probably why I'm almost actively trying to derail my academic career.

98. I love hard.

99. The cologne that my granddad wears is my favorite smell in the entire world.

100.  I honestly, for being almost 23 years old, don't drink that often. I had that obligatory semester after my 21st birthday where I went insane. I'm glad that period's over. :)

I love finding random things on the internet...

I believe that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe…

that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I believe…

that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe…

that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe…

that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe…

that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I believe…

that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I believe…

that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I believe…

that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe…

that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I believe…

that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe…

that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.  And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I believe…

that you shouldn’t be eager to find out a secret.  It could change your life forever.

I believe…

that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe…

that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe…

that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I believe…

that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe…

that we don’t have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I believe…

that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe…

that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe…

that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe…

that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, that passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe…

that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe…

that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe…

that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe…

that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe…

that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who help you get back up.

<3

HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY MOMMA<3

I would be completely and utterly lost without my mom in my life. I know that sounds really corny, but she is really the one person that I know that I can count on, no matter what, to deal with all my bullshit, mistakes, bad life choices, etc and still love me unconditionally. She's literally my best friend, and I love her.

After a very taxing emotional week, I'm going to take my moms advice and start removing stupid shit from my life. I'm going to (try) not get overly involved in things that just stress me out, and I'm going to (try) take a step back from my relationships and focus on myself. 

 I'm seriously tired of killing myself to make sure people know that I care about them only to end up empty-handed. I've literally cried in public (it's a HUGE deal for me) twice this week because I'm stressed beyond belief . I'm tired of feeling completely drained at the end of the day because I'm putting SO much of myself into other people and other projects. I'm so over worrying myself to the point where I'm feeling physically sick because I'm pushing myself to my limits trying to make sure that everything is in place for people to have the same amazing experience in my fraternity that I had when I pledged. I can't handle it, and I'm making a choice to not do it anymore.

 I'm not saying that I expect people to shower me with love all the time, because that's unrealistic and let's be serious, I would probably kill someone. I would, however, like to at least be acknowledged once in a while for the effort that I do put in. It's honestly not that difficult to pick up a phone and send a 'Hey, have a great day' text or send a little blurb on Facebook that just lets someone know you appreciate having them in your life. I'm tired of being nice about it, quite honestly, because it fucking pisses me off. 

Merr.

It's Big Appreciation Week for my fraternity, and I just need to inform all of you that my big, Jean Bernardin is quite literally the best big in the entire world... even when I tell him he's not. :)
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I've been having a pretty rough few days, which is never a fun thing for me to deal with... I bring a lot of it on myself, but that doesn't mean that I necessarily like feeling shitty; I definitely don't. As much as I would love to just flick everyone off and scream 'FUCK YOU' at the top of my lungs- that's just not who I am. I know I talk mad shit about how people piss me off on a daily basis and I say that I hate people on the reg... but I know just as well as everyone else who listens (or pretends to at least) to my bullshit that I don't mean it in the slightest. Dealing with stress has never been one of my strong points, and the fact that I internalize everything doesn't help my case at all. I'm trying to implement a life change, by starting to tell people how I feel about things, but I'm so terrified that I'm going to push people away (or in some cases further away) by telling people how I feel.

Jeesh... two years of seeing a therapist and you'd think I'd be over all this nonsense.

I think, for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to take the time to try and put some of what I'm feeling out on the table. Let's be serious, nobody really knows about this blog anyway because it's not something I routinely share with people... so it's almost the perfect outlet.

I'm supposed to graduate in December if I follow the plan my advisor laid out for me. I'm not sure that I'm on track with that plan, but that's really besides the point. The thought of graduation TERRIFIES me. I don't have the slightest idea of what I want to do with my life after I finish school and I would be lying if I said I was actively doing research to correct that problem. I honestly have no desire to leave FSU any time soon and I'm almost actively trying to prolong my time here... which may or may not be detrimental to my academic standing. My mom and my grandparents keep asking about grad school and what I'm doing to make that happen. The answer to that question is: NOTHING. As of right now, I don't want to go to graduate school. I have no desire to sink myself further into debt paying for another degree, especially when I don't even know where I would want to go or what I would get my masters in anyway. I get that the economy is definitely not conducive to students graduating these days, so staying in school is really the only logical thing to do... but I'm tired of being logical. I'm tired of dealing with the ridiculousness that is University registration and I'm tired of my lack of drive to do anything productive when it comes to sitting in a classroom and doing academic work. I'm still a couple semesters away from completing my undergrad, and I lack any form of focus to do anything. I'm seriously appalled by my academic performance this semester... I don't even know what to do with myself. Of course, along with all of that comes the frustrations with my jobs, but that's another headache for another blog post.

I took three littles this semester (as a NIB, that's pure insanity- let me tell you). I know that someone's feelings would more than likely be hurt if they knew the entire story as to how I ended up having three littles when I honestly only should have taken one, and it also happens to be incredibly closed... so we'll just move right along. Let me just tell you that I don't regret my decision to take triplets this semester at all. I ended up with three of the most utterly amazing people that I'm truly honored to call mine. I absolutely love the fact that they're all unique and traveling down different life paths in their quest for greatness. As of yet, I don't think any of them think I'm completely insane, so that's always a plus. :) Now for the not-so-fabulous part... I'm fully aware that I'm guilty of playing more attention to one than the others. It makes me feel like such an awful person, and the fact that I know exactly what I'm doing makes it even worse. It's not that I don't like them all the same; I love each of them for who they are... I just don't share the same emotional connection with each of them on an individual basis. I mean, it's quite hard to compare knowing the second you meet someone that your life is about to change to the connection you have with someone after one or two interactions. I don't usually get that 'meant to be' feeling very often, and honestly, it scares me. It scares me that I don't exactly understand what I feel or how to deal with it. It scares me that I'm letting it become the focus of my attention when I should be spreading myself evenly between all three of my littles. I'm scared that I'm the only one that feels the way I do about things, while at the same time feeling like I'm going to become that girl that alienates people because I'm trying too hard. I just want them to know that I'm here for anything and everything they need, fraternity related and not. I feel like I get shoved into a corner every time someone has feelings about something or is just having a not so great day, and it sucks. I hate feeling unimportant in peoples lives when I try SO hard to make myself available, and while I might be reading too far into things, lately I've been feeling quite unimportant. I love that people have other individuals to turn to when they have thoughts or feelings... but there are some times where I wish that I was the person they turned to in times of need. I get that people have friends and relationships that pre-date ones they have with me, but shit- I'm trying to create these lasting bonds, and I feel like I'm the only one putting in effort. Relationships take two people, and I just feel like I'm exhausting myself for something that means more to me than it does to other people...

I'm fully aware that I'm nowhere near perfect I've got to make some changes, but for me, that's difficult. I've been the same way for the past 22 years... change doesn't come easily to me at all.

I'm incredibly fortunate enough to be part of an organization that is literally comprised of my best friends. I just don't even know where I would be if I didn't have my amazing brothers to lean on when I'm upset or just really shitty... I know that I sometimes take them for granted, but seriously- they make my life so much better just for being a part of it. I just don't even think there's a way to fully convey how much they mean to me... I'm definitely a better person for having them in my life. <3

My mom's birthday is on Saturday... I'm so excited about going home and getting the hell out of Tallahassee. I need my family in my life to bring me back to where I need to be mentally. I need a night of fishing with my granddad on the dock behind their house, and I need time on the beach at night with my cousin to just talk about life. I need late nights with my mom, my aunt, and my nana where we try and solve all the problems in the world over a glass of wine. In short- I need them more than they know.

Bahhh- It's freaking 3 am... I've literally accomplished nothing this evening. I was going to study for my two tests that I have on Wednesday tonight, but I ended up going to support my twin at Hillel's Jewish Awareness Week event tonight- Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad. LITrally the funniest freaking thing I've ever been to in my life. If you haven't heard of them, LOOK THEM UP. I promise, you won't regret it. :) Merr- I guess I'll just have to make time tomorrow before/after my committee meeting to fit it all in. Lord knows, I NEED good grades on these tests.

If you took the time to actually read this- thank you. It might not mean anything to you, and you might think I'm utterly out of my mind- but the fact that you took the time to read it actually means a lot to me.
<3<3<3<3

Just Sometimes.

Just sometimes. I have the impulse to stand outside and just stare upwards, stare into space for a while until everything about me becomes a sea of calm.
Just sometimes. I like to walk, for no reason, in any direction. Slow walks heading to somewhere new, somewhere i can experience new sights, sounds and smells. A place where exploring isn’t something old.
Just sometimes. I sit down with a pen and paper and make my imagination come to life, scrawl down all the random thoughts i have and make a vast story of craziness, just because i can.
Just sometimes. I’ll sing in the middle of the night, sing songs of happiness with lyrics of joy.
I don’t do these things because I’m insane.
I do them because life isn’t about complaining about details, it’s about enjoying those details, life is for living.
So live it.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/Ab8owQ/lettersillneversend.com/2011/03/07/just-sometimes/

I have feelings too you know....

I'm kind of a bitch, but at least I own it.

I also own the fact that I'm judgmental (even though I have no right to be), I'm awkward as hell, I love like nobody's business, I get too involved with stupid shit, and I'm far from perfect.

Despite the fact that I'm on this new thing where I'm going to start owning all of my flaws, I still have feelings. I'm an overly emotional person in most instances, whether you can tell or not. I internalize a LOT of what I feel because I'm a somewhat private person who doesn't like to burden people with my 'Debbie Downer' attitude that rolls into town every once in a while. I prefer to cry in the privacy of my own car on the rare occasion that I do cry, and I very rarely tell people when they've hurt my feelings.

I think I'm going to continue this new trend of owning myself and start telling people when they've done something that's not exactly kosher... I don't like confrontation, but I'm seriously tired of feeling super shitty sometimes because I don't tell people how I feel.


Fingers crossed that I don't start some kind of international incident with this... :)

First of all, the Whitney Houston Pandora station? Freaking amazing, and you should check it out.

Secondly-I take my relationships with people very seriously. I don't know if that stems from my fabulous relationship with my father (for those of you who don't know... it's anything but fabulous at this point) or from watching my dysfunctional-as-hell extended family fight with each other to the point that they can't even come together as a family in times of sadness and happiness to mourn/heal/celebrate/love the way that 'normal' people do. Just to clarify, my family has never been 'normal' (I don't even like the term normal... it's completely subjective) and that's why I love them... but seriously, something's gotta give. My point is, I have a tendancy to overshare my feelings for people and overstep the boundaries for acceptable behavior. I want the people in my life to know that I appreciate their existance and that I genuinly don't know where I would be without them. I know that, sometimes (okay, a lot of times) it might come off as too much, but when you've got a family like mine... I don't really believe in the term 'too much.' I know that I can be a pain in the ass, and that I don't always make such great life choices, (which may or may not include my flooding your inbox with ridiculous things to let you know that you're on my mind) but I really only do it because I care about you. Yeah, that random text about creepy people at the bus station, or the random commercial that made me think of you may not seem like anything importatnt, but it's important to me. Not in the aspect that I like people at the bus station (I honestly don't... they freak me out) or that I associate you with a particular commercial... I just like people to know that I'm thinking about them. I live by the theory that if you want someone to be a part of your life, you have to actively make an effort to put them there. Clearly, not everyone thinks like I do, but it's not really something that I'm worried about at this point in time. I throw 100% of myself into the relationships in my life because I want to be able to pick up a phone 20 years from now and be able to have an actual conversation withs someone about that time in college where we stayed out until 4 in the morning or about all the super deep conversations we've had. I don't want to be that girl who shows up to the 10 year reunion and has a shitty time because she didn't spend the time to create lasting bonds with people who matter. I want to be that person that people turn to when they have a problem, knowing that I'm going to do everything within my power to make them feel better. I want people to know that they can talk to me about the stupid drama and I'll listen, just because. I guess I kinda just want people to appreciate the fact that I'm there, and I care enough to stick around through all the not-so-great times as well as the fantastic ones.

My mom still talks to her best friends from high school (she didn't go to college for very long) on a pretty constant basis. Our families go on vacations together every so often. My mom's best friend is someone that she doesn't see or talk to on a regular basis, but when her son died, you better believe my mom was on the first flight out of Florida to be by her side. People don't make rash decisions like that without even giving a second thought for anybody... I want to have the option to be able to call someone that I don't see or talk to very often in a time of need and have them jump on a plane, no questions asked, to help me through whatever I'm dealing with.

I worry sometimes that I care too much, and that it'sgoing to push people away... I honestly hope that that never happens, but it's not an unrealistic thought.

Bahh... I hate overanalyzing everything that I happen to think about in terms of this. If it bothers you, I'm sorry. It's not my intention at all to aggrevate you, or to be a general pain the ass. I just want you to know that I care, and I'll be there.

Sure, the 9th stupid text about dinosaurs on the history channel isn't relevant to your life, but it is to mine, and I like you enough to share it. Just, for my sake, go with it. :)