It's Big Appreciation Week for my fraternity, and I just need to inform all of you that my big, Jean Bernardin is quite literally the best big in the entire world... even when I tell him he's not. :)
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I've been having a pretty rough few days, which is never a fun thing for me to deal with... I bring a lot of it on myself, but that doesn't mean that I necessarily like feeling shitty; I definitely don't. As much as I would love to just flick everyone off and scream 'FUCK YOU' at the top of my lungs- that's just not who I am. I know I talk mad shit about how people piss me off on a daily basis and I say that I hate people on the reg... but I know just as well as everyone else who listens (or pretends to at least) to my bullshit that I don't mean it in the slightest. Dealing with stress has never been one of my strong points, and the fact that I internalize everything doesn't help my case at all. I'm trying to implement a life change, by starting to tell people how I feel about things, but I'm so terrified that I'm going to push people away (or in some cases further away) by telling people how I feel.

Jeesh... two years of seeing a therapist and you'd think I'd be over all this nonsense.

I think, for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to take the time to try and put some of what I'm feeling out on the table. Let's be serious, nobody really knows about this blog anyway because it's not something I routinely share with people... so it's almost the perfect outlet.

I'm supposed to graduate in December if I follow the plan my advisor laid out for me. I'm not sure that I'm on track with that plan, but that's really besides the point. The thought of graduation TERRIFIES me. I don't have the slightest idea of what I want to do with my life after I finish school and I would be lying if I said I was actively doing research to correct that problem. I honestly have no desire to leave FSU any time soon and I'm almost actively trying to prolong my time here... which may or may not be detrimental to my academic standing. My mom and my grandparents keep asking about grad school and what I'm doing to make that happen. The answer to that question is: NOTHING. As of right now, I don't want to go to graduate school. I have no desire to sink myself further into debt paying for another degree, especially when I don't even know where I would want to go or what I would get my masters in anyway. I get that the economy is definitely not conducive to students graduating these days, so staying in school is really the only logical thing to do... but I'm tired of being logical. I'm tired of dealing with the ridiculousness that is University registration and I'm tired of my lack of drive to do anything productive when it comes to sitting in a classroom and doing academic work. I'm still a couple semesters away from completing my undergrad, and I lack any form of focus to do anything. I'm seriously appalled by my academic performance this semester... I don't even know what to do with myself. Of course, along with all of that comes the frustrations with my jobs, but that's another headache for another blog post.

I took three littles this semester (as a NIB, that's pure insanity- let me tell you). I know that someone's feelings would more than likely be hurt if they knew the entire story as to how I ended up having three littles when I honestly only should have taken one, and it also happens to be incredibly closed... so we'll just move right along. Let me just tell you that I don't regret my decision to take triplets this semester at all. I ended up with three of the most utterly amazing people that I'm truly honored to call mine. I absolutely love the fact that they're all unique and traveling down different life paths in their quest for greatness. As of yet, I don't think any of them think I'm completely insane, so that's always a plus. :) Now for the not-so-fabulous part... I'm fully aware that I'm guilty of playing more attention to one than the others. It makes me feel like such an awful person, and the fact that I know exactly what I'm doing makes it even worse. It's not that I don't like them all the same; I love each of them for who they are... I just don't share the same emotional connection with each of them on an individual basis. I mean, it's quite hard to compare knowing the second you meet someone that your life is about to change to the connection you have with someone after one or two interactions. I don't usually get that 'meant to be' feeling very often, and honestly, it scares me. It scares me that I don't exactly understand what I feel or how to deal with it. It scares me that I'm letting it become the focus of my attention when I should be spreading myself evenly between all three of my littles. I'm scared that I'm the only one that feels the way I do about things, while at the same time feeling like I'm going to become that girl that alienates people because I'm trying too hard. I just want them to know that I'm here for anything and everything they need, fraternity related and not. I feel like I get shoved into a corner every time someone has feelings about something or is just having a not so great day, and it sucks. I hate feeling unimportant in peoples lives when I try SO hard to make myself available, and while I might be reading too far into things, lately I've been feeling quite unimportant. I love that people have other individuals to turn to when they have thoughts or feelings... but there are some times where I wish that I was the person they turned to in times of need. I get that people have friends and relationships that pre-date ones they have with me, but shit- I'm trying to create these lasting bonds, and I feel like I'm the only one putting in effort. Relationships take two people, and I just feel like I'm exhausting myself for something that means more to me than it does to other people...

I'm fully aware that I'm nowhere near perfect I've got to make some changes, but for me, that's difficult. I've been the same way for the past 22 years... change doesn't come easily to me at all.

I'm incredibly fortunate enough to be part of an organization that is literally comprised of my best friends. I just don't even know where I would be if I didn't have my amazing brothers to lean on when I'm upset or just really shitty... I know that I sometimes take them for granted, but seriously- they make my life so much better just for being a part of it. I just don't even think there's a way to fully convey how much they mean to me... I'm definitely a better person for having them in my life. <3

My mom's birthday is on Saturday... I'm so excited about going home and getting the hell out of Tallahassee. I need my family in my life to bring me back to where I need to be mentally. I need a night of fishing with my granddad on the dock behind their house, and I need time on the beach at night with my cousin to just talk about life. I need late nights with my mom, my aunt, and my nana where we try and solve all the problems in the world over a glass of wine. In short- I need them more than they know.

Bahhh- It's freaking 3 am... I've literally accomplished nothing this evening. I was going to study for my two tests that I have on Wednesday tonight, but I ended up going to support my twin at Hillel's Jewish Awareness Week event tonight- Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad. LITrally the funniest freaking thing I've ever been to in my life. If you haven't heard of them, LOOK THEM UP. I promise, you won't regret it. :) Merr- I guess I'll just have to make time tomorrow before/after my committee meeting to fit it all in. Lord knows, I NEED good grades on these tests.

If you took the time to actually read this- thank you. It might not mean anything to you, and you might think I'm utterly out of my mind- but the fact that you took the time to read it actually means a lot to me.
<3<3<3<3