Studying sucks...

Someone remind me why I thought college was such a great idea?  (Just kidding, mom.)

I've got a vocab quiz in German on Thursday and an extra credit assignment for my Gay Politics & Policy class that I'm trying to study for/work on while I'm working at this non-user friendly desk... I think I've officially hit that time of night where I just don't feel like doing anything else productive...

So here I sit... not studying, not doing work, and not actually caring about the consequences of either. (For now)

I had a pretty awesome phone date earlier with a friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a few months (a few being like, almost a year) and I haven't seen in forever. It was really nice just to catch up on what's happening in each other's lives. It also makes me really happy that our whole conversation was like nothing had changed in the past few months. We picked up right where we left off the last time we talked and just continued on from there... it was literally the most natural conversation I've had with anyone in a long time. I wish I had more conversations like the one tonight in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love the people in my life and the conversations we have because they're usually quite meaningful... but to have a conversation with someone who knows (even after all this time) me to a 'T' is just.... it's amazing. I hope regularly scheduled phone dates are something that become a constant occurance in my life. :)

I talked to my mom for the first time in almost a month last night.... which makes me both really happy and really sad at the same time. It wasn't a super long conversation, and I feel really crummy that all I talked to her about was APhiO stuff and how stressed out I've been lately... but that's literally been my life for the past few weeks. Anyway- I love that she just lets me ramble on about my ridiculousness and essentially tells me the same thing that everyone else has been trying to tell me for a while now. I've been hearing what everyone else has been telling me; that I need to stop overcommitting myself, that I need to stop caring so much about what other people do with their lives, that I need to stop caring so much about how other people feel, that I need to sleep more... but for some reason, when my mom says stuff like that to me, it just clicks.

I went to bed at 11 last night (which is virtually unheard of for me) and slept for almost 12 hours... Of course, I was wide awake at 4am due to my inability to sleep for more than 5 hours at a time thanks to my job, but I won't complain as both of my sleep stints combined are more than I've slept in the past month. I didn't think it was possible to wake up feeling both rested and extremely exhausted at the same time... but it is, and I did. I did, however, wake up with the realization that I need to make some serious attitude/personality/life outlook adjustments. NOW.

I've decided that from today onward, I'm not throwing all of myself into making other people happy, because it's not doing anything but stressing me out beyond belief. I'm going to start taking more time to focus on myself and my own well being. I'm not going to kill myself rushing around trying to do for other people when it's not reciprocated or appreciated. Sure, there are always a few people that do, but that's really besides the point. I'm almost really glad that summer's coming and a lot of people are leaving Tally for a few months. It'll be nice to have the city a little less congested, and it'll be nice to settle myself down while I take a couple classes to get my GPA back where it needs to be. I know it sounds really awful, because APhiO has become my life and I love it, but I'm glad that it's over for the semester too. I need time to focus on myself without any outside distractions (aside from the ones that I absolutely cannot get away from, like rent and other stuff like that) to steal that focus. I need time to not give a shit about what anyone else has going on in their lives and to just sit and relax for a change. I need time to do my laundry, clean my room, and re-bond with my best firiend. I feel like I've been so AWOL the past few weeks between school, work, and APhiO that I don't know what's going on in his life anymore, and it kills me. It's going to be slightly difficult for me, because caring about anything and everything is who I am, but this is really the only thing that's going to preserve what's left of my sanity.

Merr... I feel like I should get back to studying for my quiz, just so I feel somewhat accomplished by the end of this shift. Of course, that's a little difficult when strange things keep happening by the desk every few minutes, but we'll see how far I get.

I'm a crier

So I'm sure everyone, by now, is highly aware of the fact that I have a lot of feelings... and I'm really bad at hiding them.

Today was the last chapter of the semester... and quite possibly one of the longest and most emotionally taxing days of my life. (We're talking almost nine HOURS of chapter here... it was intense.) We usually do elections for the upcoming semester at the end of the current one, and today was no different.

I ran for Pledge Master this semester...and lost. I'm actually okay with losing, because I really don't have as much experience in dealing with the brotherhood as my competitors do and let's be serious- Pledge Master is a huge responsibility. A responsibility that I was ready to take on, but huge none-the-less. I should probably say that I'm really proud of everyone that won their positions, and I really am... but at the same time, I'm not 100%, jumping up-and-down, super stoked for next semester. I'm really sorry if that offends people, but it's how I feel. I don't necessarily agree with some of the decisions made today- and I'll leave it at that.

I don't make it a secret that PTG is probably one of my least favorite things, but today was quite possibly the one exception to that thought process. Today was the senior's last PTG, and everyone's PTG's were super heartfelt and very personal. Of course, this means I spent the entire 45 minutes that I was there for PTG bawling because it was all very touching, and I'm going to miss everyone SO much. I actually gave a PTG at this chapter, and thanks to my waterworks, it took me forever to get through... I didn't get everything out that I wanted to say because, let's be serious, nobody wanted to listen to me cry for an hour trying to get everything out.... so I'm going to re-count my PTG, with all the new parts added in. :)

1. Congrats to the NIBs!  You're all so amazing and I'm so proud and excited that I finally get to call you my brothers!
2. Falyn- You're seriously one of the most dedicated people I know. You do so much, and you get so much shit from other people... You're amazing.
3. Ricardo- my toe is still blue...and it hurts. :) I can't believe you're graduating in two weeks... I don't know what I'm going to do without you in my life. Your personality is seriously infectious and you're one of the most genuinely amazing people I've ever met. I love you beyond belief!
4. My dearest littles- I was absolutely terrified at the beginning of the semester that you would all hate each other or, even worse, me. I didn't know how I was going to actually be able to be the big that I wanted to be, and I didn't know how I was going to survive having three of you being a NIB myself. I'm honestly so glad that I took all of you this semester. You've taught me things about myself that I had never even began to think of, and you continue to amaze me on a daily basis. You're all so amazing and I'm so glad that you don't (as far as I know) hate me or each other. :)  I have honestly never felt so proud of anyone in my life as I did during your pinning as brothers at initiation. You three are going to be amazing brothers and will (hopefully) make me a very proud grand-big next semester. I know I can be slightly (and by slightly we all know I mean quite) overbearing at times, but I love you all with all of my heart... and I hope you realize just how much that is.
5. Hilary - You're seriously my best friend. I didn't walk into ΑΦΩ expecting to meet you and to have the bond that we do. You're the one to bring me back down from my insane emotional flare-ups and I know you're always the shoulder I can go to when I have tears that need to be cried. You have literally changed my life just by being a part of it, and I am so beyond thankful for you.
6. My amazing BIG! You're such an important part of my life and I literally would be so lost without you. I don't know how I'm going to function next year with you in Spain... Thank you so much for being such an amazing role-model for what a true brother should be. You've literally made my ΑΦΩ experience something that I'll treasure for the rest of my life. I love you SO much... it's not even funny. :)
7. To this amazing group of people I'm so fortunate enough to call my brothers- thank you so much for just existing! I know that we complain (well, I complain) a lot about things, and we all lead different life paths... but we all come together for a common reason and the love that we share for one another is something that I am constantly in awe of. It's such an amazing feeling to know that if I ever needed one of you, that all I have to do is pick up a phone and I have over 100 people that would (hopefully) drop what they were doing to come help me out. I am so lucky to have each and every one of you in my life, and I cannot imagine what my life would be without all of you in it. I don't want to imagine my life without any of you in it... because let's be serious, it would suck. I love you all so much.<3

I'm sure there's more in there, but I'm working and I'm trying really hard to NOT live up to my reputation as 'THAT girl who cries at everything'... even though that's exactly who I am. :)

The point is- I love you all, and I'm so thankful that you're all a part of my life.

My [[amazing]] littles!

(Yes, ALL of them!)

Initiation was last night... and was a complete success! :)

I'm so proud of ALL the Tigers and can't wait to see them grow within this amazing brotherhood

<3

Bored at the desk...

I'm listening to my favorite Pandora station while re-reading 'Catcher in the Rye' for the hudreth time. I love that after all this time, it still tops my list of favorites. I love that this is actually what I get paid to do. :)

I had a rather interesting encounter with a few of the residents in this hall earlier... Long story short, beligerant men in sports bras are just not something I ever thought I would encounter while doing this job, and yet- It's now something I guess I can cross off my bucket list. (Not that it was on there in the first place, but you get the idea.)

One of my littles came to visit me at the desk tonight. It's a fairly frequent occurance when I work the Eastside, which I'm totally not complaining about. I love the interruption from the monotony that is the desk and I'm never one to turn down bonding time- even if it's only a few minutes. It means a lot, to me at least, that someone's willing to take the time out of their schedule to come and spend time with me... even more so when that time is at all hours of the night. :) (I don't know if you read this, but on the off chance you do- Thank you :) I appreciate you more than you know.)

Elections for next semester's Exec Board are this weekend after initiation. I think I want to run for Pledge Master for the fall... but I'm slightly nervous about it. I know that I'll have the time to dedicate to it, the organization skills to make sure everything runs smoothly, and that I have a whole lot of heart to put into the position... but I also know that the people I'd be running against have the same feelings, qualities, and more expierence than I do. I think it's the lack of experience I have, being a NIB this semester, that worries me most. I know beyond a shaddow of a doubt that I would be a great PM if I had the right people behind me to help me out along the way. The more I think about it, the more I want it... but I aslo keep thinking about all of the obstacles I'd have to face to get there. This semesters pledge class will officially be brothers by the time Sunday rolls around, and will be legitimate voting members of our chapter. I know a majority of them, and I feel like I get along with just about all of them, but I don't know how they feel about me, which is just another thing to add to my list of 'what the hell do I do if...' thoughts that I have about running. I guess all I can do is write a speech (assuming that I get nominated, of course) and pray for the best.


Merr- I've been away from the antics of Mr. Caulfield for too long. It's back to my book and my music for the few minutes I have before my next set of rounds.

Goodnight<3

I epic fail at studying.

I've literally been sitting in Strozier for the past 6 hours, and have accomplished next to nothing of academic importance other than changing the language of my Facebook from English to German.. Did I mention that I have a test at 5 tomorrow? Someone, please, kill me.

At least my procrastination allows me to update my day-planner and get my life [somewhat] back on track. There's nothing that compares to having an organized day-planner. :)

I-Week!

In exactly 5 days from today, we'll have 52 (I think) amazing new brothers! :)

Relay for Life 2011

*NSYNC with a Cure

APhiO Singing Bye Bye Bye to Cancer

Relay For Life 2011

I was fortunate enough to experience FSU's Relay for Life this year with some of the most amazing people on the planet. I seriously cannot imagine participating in such an emotional and fulfilling event without my brothers (current AND future) by my side. I love all of you more than you could ever imagine and I am SO proud to call each and every one of you family.<3

The ΑΦΩ teams raised over $10,000 year, which is just a small portion of the (over) $173,000 that FSU Relay for Life raised overall!

I've been participating in Relay for Life since I was a sophomore in high school, and I can honestly say that it's my all time favorite philanthropy. I used to Relay for fun and to help an amazing organization (The American Cancer Society) raise money for education, prevention, and treatment. 

Mary Beth "Birdie" Knox

November 28, 1984 - March 27, 2007

Now, I Relay for my cousin, Mary Beth, who lost her fight with Sarcoma in 2007.

Relay has seriously taken on a whole new meaning for me since she passed away, and I couldn't be more proud of the hard work that goes into making Relay for Life a success each and every year, thanks to the amazing people that volunteer their entire year to putting Relay together, the amazing teams that come together to raise money for a cure, and all of the money raised to help fight cancer so we [hopefully] don't have to Relay in the future.

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