I Feel Pretty/Unpretty

Attempting to mellow out before my final with Glee.

I just want finals week to be OVER.

I'm tired of trying to cram information into my alraedy full-to-capacity brain and I'm ready to have my day planner go from being jam packed with things to do to being virtually empty. I'm ready to have most of the people in this city leave for a few months, and I'm ready to spend the summer focusing on myself. I'm excited for the two classes that I'm taking this summer in an effort to somewhat revive my GPA and I'm looking forward to being able to actually make plans to go places that I don't have to cancel at the last minute because of school, or work, or APhiO.

I pick up my official graduation check tomorrow... I'm not really sure how I feel about that yet. I mean, there are some days where I just can't wait to get the hell out of Tallahassee and get on with my life, and then there are other days where I don't even think about leaving because it makes me incredibly sad. You'd think that with my background as a Navy Brat, that I'd have this whole 'move somewhere, create a feeling of home, get attached to people, move somewhere else, repeat' mentality on lock... but there's something different about this time. (I know, I say that about every time, but for real- this time is legitimately different) There's something about this place, this school, and these people that I can't bear to even think about living without. I know that the possibility of this phase of my life lasting beyond a couple of years was never anything more than one of those wishes that get made when times are really good, and I know that, even if I didn't leave, other people are going to leave and get on with their lives... but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't know what the anticipated date for graduation is going to be when I pick up my check tomorrow afternoon, but I do know that I'm probably going to have a pseudo freak out at the fact that there's actually a date on the paper... I just don't know that I'm ready for things to even remotely look like they're coming to an end.

I started my senior speech for APhiO the other night (In anticipation for the final awards banquet that I don't even want to think about) and it's already three pages long... single spaced. I think the really sad part about it being that long is that the only people I've even managed to include in my speech thus far are the members of my family. I already know that I'm not going to call out everyone that's made a difference in my life, because we'd be there for hours, and that coupled with the fact that I cry at everything would just be too much to handle, but I do want to at least mention some people and my thoughts about my time in this amazing brotherhood that I've come to regard as my family. It still needs some work (and to be finished) so we'll see just how crazy it sounds once I've got everything in order the way I want it.

Graduation is this weekend. I'm not going to any of the ceremonies, but I'm already positive that I'm going to be a mess once everyone's alumni status becomes official. I'm warning you all now- if you don't do emotional stuff, don't call me this weekend. I'm just trying to save you the trouble of dealing with me. :)

Things Courtney Has Learned This Weekend

1. Champagne and hunch punch should never be mixed. Seriously- it leads to bad things.
2. Drunk crying for over an hour is ridiculous and succeeds in nothing other than making you 'THAT girl' (Sitting in the road and forgetting your address during the aforementioned crying incident are also not advised.)
3. I am, and will probably forever, be super blue. Every personality test I take yields the same results... seriously, it's scary.
4. Working Friday night, to be up early for a full day of activities and a full night of drunkness on Saturday, to be hungover all day Sunday (the day before FINALS) is a bad life choice.
5. Not studying for Monday morning finals until Monday morning, isn't such a great life choice either.
6. Hungover cleaning is really not my idea of a good time, but I'm glad I went back to help.
7. My brothers are amazing. End of story.
8. People who I underestimate really do care about how I feel... even if they don't show it all the time. (Thanks for taking the time to make sure I was okay and for attempting to talk things out with me. I appreciate you!)

My mom is coming into town next weekend and I am beyond ready for her to be here! I haven't seen her in a month and after the past few weeks... I just really need that stability that she brings for a little while. Of course, this means I have to find time in my jam packed schedule of finals and work (four straight nights at work coupled with four finals is just not a recipe for fun, at all) to tackle the mountain of laundry I have in the middle of my floor so she doesn't freak out... but oddly enough, I'm ready for whatever ridiculousness I have to do to get it done. It'll make things more exciting. :)

Good luck on your finals, if you have them!

In a little more than an hour, the semester (excluding finals) will be completely over.

THANK GOD.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this weekend... On the one hand, I'm so glad that I'm taking some time off from everything and just having fun with my brothers before everyone goes AWOL for finals and then goes home for the summer... and on the other hand, I'm devastated that, for a lot of people, this is their last big weekend here at FSU. I'm having a reasonably decent day though, so I'll forgo dumping all of my feelings for now and just focus on the fact that I absolutely cannot wait to let my hair down this weekend and not give a damn about anything until Monday.

My 'vent' for today...

I'M TIRED.

I realize that it's my own fault and that I probably don't have a right to complain, but it's my blog and I'm going to bitch because I can.

I'm usually one to appreciate those blatantly sarcastic comments from others, but honestly, I'm not in the mood for that shit today. I'm coming off of a four (consecutive) day work stretch and an all nighter to study for a test that I have this afternoon. My all-nighter started in Strozier literally right after my class got out yesterday and I eventually ended up in Smith with a friend who was on duty. I should probably mention that my productivity level took a huge dive once I got to Smith, but at least I got some studying done between going on rounds and random adventures though the West Side.

Point being - Morning receptionists really don't have a right to be snarky.

Let's be for real- they come in at 7 (& half the time they're late) and work for maybe four hours. They literally do nothing except sit at the desk and occasionally answer the phone. They need to stop acting like they're so freaking special because they get to within the confines of a (in most cases) really shitty office and that I should be forever indebted to them for relieving me from my shift. They really don't have the right to look at me with disdain if I haven't gotten around to packing up my laptop and study materials to patiently wait for them to grace me with their presence. Just because I work a 9-hour over-night shift doesn't automatically mean that I have all the time in the world to sit and do nothing. (Granted, I do have a lot of down time between the time I do rounds and the occasional lock out, but that's really besides the point.)

I'd like to point out that this entire rant stems from the receptionist in Kellum this morning making some snarky-ass comment about how my intended 30 minute 'power nap' turned into a 3 hour, legit nap. Sure, I really only wanted to sleep for half an hour because I had shit to do this morning, but seriously- I slept in the lounge, and nobody's awake at 7:30 in the morning anyway. I left my computer behind the desk because I knew it would be safe back there. I'm just failing to see where it's really any of her business to comment on how long my nap was when I went to retrieve my belongings... it didn't, in any way, directly affect her and her ability to do her job.
Betch.

I have half of my final this afternoon... and for such a small amount of material, I'm slightly freaking out. I don't necessarily have the best track record with test grades in this class... and funny enough, tests are all that matter in this class. (I hate that, by the way. I'm not a great test taker, so it really kinda screws me over from the get-go.)  I really just want this day/week/month to be over so I can bask in the wonderfulness of doing absolutely nothing with my life and attempt to fix my sleep schedule. Or create one... that might be a better place to start.

I just checked up on my summer classes. I'm really excited about my Religion and Genocide seminar that I'm taking, aside from the fact that it's only a FIVE person class. Who the heck has a class with only five people in it? I shouldn't really complain about it, considering that I was one of of the five to secure a spot on the roster (It's one of those 'you must have instructor permission to obtain a course code' class), but the complete lack of a class makes me a little nervous.

There are a surprising number of stray animals that roam this campus in the wee hours of the morning...

For having the crap day that I had (I'm pretty sure that I'm starting to get sick, or something of that nature, because I slept through pretty much everything today, and felt really yucky for the few hours that I actually spent awake), tonight has actually turned out to be better than I expected. :)

I got to spend some time with my best friend tonight... for the first time in almost a month. I love that it wasn't anything extraoridnary (we literally laid in bed eating dry Captain Crunch and watched the Disney channel) but was everything I needed to feel somewhat balanced. I mean, we still have some a lot of catching up to do, because we both lead very busy lives these days.. but we're definitely on track to getting to level ground.

He makes me really happy :)

(This is old... but it's literally the only decent picture that we have together.

Clearly we're in need of a photo shoot)

Moving on...

Tonight marks my fourth consecutive night on duty... my second consecutive night in Deviney. I honestly don't know how I'm still functioning, but I am and my paycheck better be worth it. One of my favorite RA's in this death-trap of a residence hall brought down a [sugar free] Red Bull earlier and I'm pretty sure she saved my life. I hit my peak a few hours ago, and I'm pretty sure I'm on the way down, 'cause I'm starting to yawn a lot. Those yawns could also be my weak attempts to stifle tears (I'm re-watching The Notebook for the millionth time), but for now, we'll stick with the caffeine running out of my system. :)

Yesterday marked the beginning of the last two weeks of the semester.. and needless to say, I'm freaking out. This semester has gone by so fast and I'm nowhere near prepared enough to be done. I still have to finish my FAFSA and do some serious work to come out with decent grades. I have half of my history final on Wednesday night, and I still don't know how I did on my last test in that class because I haven't been in two weeks. (Clearly, I'm a model student.) I think a part of the reason I'm freaking out is that the end of this semester marks the beginning of my last semester (or last couple semesters, as I'm taking summer classes this year) here at Florida State.

I'm not ready to be done.

I've only been at FSU for two years, but it feels like it's been forever. This university has become my home and the people here my family. I don't know what it feels like to be in a non-academic setting for an extended period of time and I really have no idea what the hell I'm going to actually do with my degree. I don't know what I'm going to do without being constantly surrounded by my brothers and my night-staffers, and free-time is a concept that has become so foreign, I'm going to have to take a class to figure out what to do with myself.

In other news...

My little brother turns 20 years old in less than a month.

Where the hell has the time gone?!

It seems like it was yesterday that we were little kids running around the backyard in our own make-believe worlds, just living life the way it was meant to be lived. Now he's living on his own, got a full time job and a baby on the way. I know we're not really that far apart in age, but it makes me feel really old that he will no longer be a teenager.
I mean, I'm going to be 23 in December, but damn.

I remember when he started school, when he lost his first tooth, his 7th birthday, teaching him how to ride a pogo-stick, and so much more... Time is seriously moving way too fast, and it needs to slow the freak down. I'm hoping that everything will be in order by the time his birthday rolls around so that I can make a trip to Jacksonville to spend it with him... I would feel really shitty if I showed up to watch my neice come into the world in June and I didn't make it to his birthday. Fingers crossed that karma is on my side.

Today has been absolute shit.

I wish life came with a re-do button and that I wasn't getting sick the week before finals.

Merr.

Seriously- how could you not be in love with this view? This was taken when my whole family went to the mountains in North Carolina two summers ago. Unadulterated nature like this is the reason I want to live in the middle of nowhere (theoretically speaking... because let't be real- I need civilization in my life) when I finally decide that I want to grow up and do something with my life. I can't speak for anyone else, but spending a week on top of this mountain with my favorite people on the planet put a lot of things into perspective for me. People spent too much time focused on the material things in life and being too into the latest trends that they tend to forget about the simplicity and beauty that is what we've had sitting in front of us (until someone feels the need to build a new parking lot somewhere) the whole time. Now, I'm hardly one that gets super excited about spending time in a place where I get no phone reception, I have to share two bathrooms with 17 other people, and the only restaurant in town is the Pizza Hut that hasn't been renovated since the 80's... but there's something about the quaintness of this little town nestled between the mountains that made me okay with pushing my slightly higher than average maintenance aside so that I could just appreciate the time that I got to spend with my family.

It's been almost two years since these pictures were taken.

I need a crash course in simplicity 101, because I'm so far away from the mindset I need to be in that it's ridiculous.